Subject: Feel Like a lady, deal like a man.
I have been married 28 years and my husband has been having affairs for the
past 8 years. He just ended another one with a 25 year old.
He is starting
another one, I know the signs. I read your exerpts and Gems. Please do you have
anymore of your book written?
I really need help with getting him to have
passion with me. Thats all he says is lacking. He gets off on hiding and the
secrecy, just like you say.
Even the expensive therapists we have seen don't
get that. I want to seduce him by text messages, thats what he does with
250-300 texts per day. Please help me in any way you can. He is leaving
again on monday to start up with the new one.
I am tired of investigating.
don't want to know who it is.
But it is always someone he as met during his
work travels who he has work in common with, in another state.
They always look
like me, 20 years ago. Can you send me some ideas of texts to send.
I live in Atlanta. I am a very
attractive former model. I am very appealing to other men.
But have been
faithful all these years. I am thinking of seeing other men or making one up.
The only time he seems interested and ends it, is when he doesn't know where I
am or what I am up to.
I am starting a class this week to become a private
I am very good at it after all these years. I don't want to be
I want to turn him on. I know that would be a new start for
us. If not I am ready to move on.
I would be happy to talk to you by email or
My info is: XXX xxxx xxx-xxx-xxxx,Xxxxooooo@gmail.com
Thank you for taking time to read this.
PS just got back from a trip hawaii with him yesterday.
He dumped her and took me. He texted most of the time to a new girl in Dallas.
He's going to LA on
monday, where the one he dumped lives and then to Dallas. Where the new one
lives. I guess I am just an idiot.
A. AUGUST 12, 2014
In an effort to maintain your anonymity, I’m going to
refer to you as “Anonymous” rather
than using your first name since you found me another place as well.
I just wanted to say hello, and let you know that I
appreciate your patience in waiting for my reply over the past couple days.
(I do honor my “within 3-day turnaround” on these Ask Angie’s).
At any rate.
You said something soooo poignant (and important) in your
email to me that before I even go in to answering your questions, I would be
remised if I didn’t highlight [it]:
You said that that your detective and investigative skills
on your husband were so good that you decided to take classes on private
Kudos for you! Because rather than placing your energy and
focus on investigating his comings, goings, and where he’s on his way too’s
(and through snooping) you discovered you have the skill above the average
snoop; do something with that—like
you’re considering doing………………for other
people [if that’s what they choose to pay for and want to know about their
significant others via that route].
Another reason why it’s good that you considered making
something of your skill (versus snooping on him) is because, although from
the tone of your email, it almost seems “fun” to you at this point-your
knowing all the deets about who and what he did [and is going to hookup with
next], the fact of the matter is, it’ll still chip at you and your self esteem-a
little bit at a time, everyday.
reading your letter, sounds like you read the excerpt (Gem #21The
Secret To Him Not Cheating On You & Making it Last Happily Ever
After) …my RPC (Reverse Psychology Cheating) method thoroughly! You go
That being said (and per your situation) how you can work
the technique in and make it work out for you (as per your letter to me) is……you
(Anonymous) should find a way to
“suppose” to him [that you suspect he is cheating], without letting him know for a fact that you actually know. And
like I explain in my RPC method: be “one of the guys” with him [to get him to
open up about his sexcapades with other women].
First name: Frank
Last name: Honest
May I be both of ‘em?
As a woman myself, learned something in my study,
experience, and observation of men something that we (as women) MUST get
through our heads:
MEN ARE NOT MECHANICAL WIRED FOR MONOGAMY: PHYSICALLY or
MENTALLY (only emotionally—whenever they are reached emotionally and decide to respond to a woman with
emotion well over just physical).
For a woman OR man (and especially for a man) monogamy is not a given-it's a decision.
Know this about a man: A man’s decision to give in to his
emotions for a woman and give them [back] to her, like monogamy—is just that:
That being said, know and keep it in your head that men
just aren’t naturally wired for monogamy-they just aren’t…they have to decide
that is what that want to do [be monogamous].
No, that doesn’t mean you have to accept his not being built for monogamy…but it does mean that in order for you to
maintain a healthy and close
relationship him, you are going to have to know how to play his ‘game’ (for
lack of a better word).
Men are mechanical.
Women are wired.
Sounds almost like the same difference but it’s not.
With a man, it’s like a tune up for a car: Some men need a
“refresher course” on what it is they do (when away from their partners).
Some of ‘em need a “tune up” in the form of the question being proposed:
we a team? Is this (you and me) about “us” or just-you?
if it is about “us” is what you are doing when away from us beneficial
for the team, or is it just good to you-for that time being?
how did it serve/work for the team?
Obviously, a woman should know her position and where she
stands with a man in that, those aren’t the kind of questions you ask a man
that you’re just dating or sleeping with and because you cooked him a few
good meals and he has a pair of shoes under her bed and a t-shirt he left
over that we through in the laundry that means were on to something.
It’s like I mention in Gem
#17 the “Men, Money and their Emotions” chapter,
once a man decides he wants to “build” with a woman (in that he begins to place
irreplaceable responsibilities upon himself and the woman-that makes it
harder to walk out on the relationship—“big ticket” type of moves that really
solidify commitment, then the “team” forms.
But every now and again (some men more than others), even
in committed relationships through to marriages, men still have to have that
reminder and “fine-tuning” pep-talk brought to them (however you-the
woman-decide to word what I explained in the bullet points).
And like I explain in detail in my RPC method, once you’ve
had that (above-bulleted) conversation (hopefully non-confrontational), be
his “homie” Ask him to have some fun with you one night. Let him know that
all that he shares with you is fair game. No fighting.
From 18 to 80, men love to “locker room gallant” about
their exploits, nights, and prowess.
Toughen up. Let him give you his locker-room gallantry
like he would with his “homies” (friends). Like I mention in the RPC method
chapter, whether it be during sex, or whether you use it as personal
emotional and mental foreplay to feast on it first and then allow him to
finish telling you during sex, the magic in it is this: The more you make him
comfortable about these “reveals” you slowly begin to put out the fire in his
secrets. (And like I mention in the RPC chapter), it’s the secrecy that holds
the fire-not necessarily the acts done behind the woman’s back.
REMEMBER: Don't nag him out of his secret(s) he'll be agitated by you. Don't snoop and fight his secret(s) out of him-he'll rebel and resent you. Share them (like I explained it in my RPC method). That way, with that methodology, you steal away with his secret(s).
Enough of this methodology with him, he will grow bored of
cheating because while doing (or preparing to) his mind will replay these
sessions with you and just gets all icky!.
His “cheating” doesn’t feel like a
“secret anymore and well…viola-you got your man back lady!
REMEMBER: The "sexy" is in the secrecy. Steal the secret(s) and get your "sexy" back--in your own home!
Thank you. Good Luck. And Good Love ♥
First off thank you for putting up such a great Gem. However, I'm in need of a starting place. How do I get him to talk about these lusts and desires?
He usually says "oh I don't have any". How do I get in there and get him to tell me and then become them?
Thank you so very much!
Thankyoufor taking the time out to read
my excerpts and inquiring!
And thank you for inquiring
[about the book I am writing]:
You stated: “I’m in need of
a starting place,” [about how to get him to talk about his lusts and
Let me be frank with you
with regard to men, women, lust, and desire: Regardless of how astute,
educated, conservative (or any other positive or non-sexual redeeming quality
he may have), lust and desireishis
“starting place” (in his mind-before even approaching or getting to know a
Lust and desire is a man’s
“love at first sight.” Because realistically, he cannot look right at you and
love your mind, intellect (or whatever redeeming qualitiesyoumay possess), but he can, and will
place that on his “things to do and find out later”afterhis moment of “love at first sight”
(that instantaneous lust and desire phase at first glance, meeting, and
Not all men meet women and
are ready to jump their bones and hit the sack. Most evolved men who’ve “been
there-done that,” prefer to take their time to get to know a woman (before
revealing, and being demonstrative about his “lusts and desires”). There are
still men like such kind out there and your guy may be one such gentleman.
However, I will say this.
If a man is not attracted to
a woman (intimately), it will be like pulling teeth to get him to be in any
way revealing of his lusts and desires. Such a man can (and will) take a
womanto bed, but
opening up about his lust and desires is an altogether different thing.
For a woman, in order to be
able to gauge [and get] those things, you have to know-for sure-of his
attraction to you. Initially, you can pretty much gauge that in the amount of
quality/alone time heinitiatesspending
with you, the way he looks at you and the way he’ll touch, and handle you (in
not just his words-but his “way”).
I’m not going to spend a lot
of time giving details specifically about those things, but all women know
when a man is truly attracted to her (and when he is not).
But once you’re past that
reality and you know he’s all there; getting him to spill and reveal is
If you’ve already made it to
second base (had actual intercourse), and you’re [back at] trying to get him
to spill and reveal-you may have a problem.
But if youhaven’tmade it to second base, and you’re
trying to get him to spill and reveal-you just may have a gentleman [on your
hands]. But still (depending on how close/intimate/personal) the two of you
are or have been; when it comes to a man-if he’s attracted to you, he’s going
to give that up-in some way or another.
P.S-Don’t underestimate the
power of intimate phone conversations, texting, and non-sex intimacy
That book can (and will)
offer youtonsof answers to the questions you have
about how to get him to share his lusts and desires.
In closing I’ll be honest
and say (reiterate) this.
The bottom line is: Where
men are concerned (about sharing their lusts and desires with women), it all
boils down to his level of personal intimacy with that woman-it’s not just a
A man taking a woman to bed
is just a “thing” (over his sharing his lusts and desires).
Hope that helped Kirsten.
Via the same way you found
listed at the bottom right of my website, feel free to write if you have
Thank you. Good Luck. And
Thank you so much for responding back to me! In this case we have been living together for almost a year.
He is a hard guy to read but Ive felt he has been unfaithful.
I caught him texting a girl he met at a bar, when I confronted him he said he (is a bit older than me, almost 50)
he said that he had no intention of pursuing it, it just felt good to have someone interested in him other than me.
I know in his past he has cheated. When we were out drinking one night with his best bud who I am not friends with,
we were talking about MadMen (my boyfriend wasn't around) - anyway, I said I dont watch the show anymore because
he cheated so much. Jokingly I ask his friend, "has he ever cheated on me?"
His response was a blank stare and pause then says "Look he's happy."
This was an alarm to me because he didn't say no.
This might be way to much to ask you and I know you are quite busy. I just feel I dont have anyone to talk to and I dont want to get hurt again.
This is why I wanted to seek you out - I want him to want me and not step out when he can.....
Thank you so much for your previous response and I appreciate you taking the time to do so.
For starters Kirsten, no,
you’re not bothering me.
I set this method of
communication up for my supporters and readers because (as a writer) you can
only reach so many situations in the contents of a book. As I observe people;
I learn that many people are in search of specific answers to their specific
questions--they need those things answered first before they can relax and
start having your writer rhetoric, advice, and suggestions shooting at them a
mile-a-page. And too, (versus “social networks”) I find this method to be a
bit more personal and less pretentious-so your reaching out to me here is all
good with me. You and your questions + my answers and suggestions help
everybody, so it’s a win-win (for everybody). Here, I can be thorough-no
impersonal pretentiousness whatsoever, and with you (and my readers') full
understanding that like in my books; I do not write like tip-toeing around my
readers to be “safe” and from behind buffers to simply gather a crowd and
hold your attention via pacification solely to be “liked” but rather-from
behind relative truth, sincerity, suggestion and point of view that I would
use (for my very own self) and offer to my very best friend.
Having said that, after
reading this 5.18.13 inquiry-and considering your first (5.16.13) inquiry;
let me preface what I am about to say by giving you a visual:Have you ever
lit a match (a book of matches-like the kind you fold back, place the match
on the wood strip, cover the match and then strike! ...you pull the fire
stick from between the cover-and viola!-you have a fire)?
three main (and very important) things we women need to know about a man
(throughout this reply, you'll be referring back to these numbers):
1). You have to light his fire. [Just like back on my
5.17.13 reply-when I explained “lust and desire” being a man’s “love at first
sight”]; that strike of the matchbook is a great visual for explaining “lust
and desire” and “love at first sight.” That fire is that spark from a man
that sets the foundation of his attraction (lust, and desire) for a woman.
From that, woman can take a man anywhere she wants him and from that point,
it really can grow. But at any time, that fire can be snuffed out-and
typically-believe, accept it, or not [if it’s not because the woman left
him]; if he left, or flaked up on her; it’s usually
the woman’s fault. Why? Because outside of that lust and desire/love at first
sight “need,” there were other things needed to sustain him and she didn’t,
or was not able to execute those things going forward.
2). He has to want you, not need
Generally speaking and most typically, a man has to want to
be with you (in order to “want” you).
If a man is with you because he needs you,
he will always be in search of what he “wants,” and that doesn’t necessarily
mean him being in search of better physical beauty; it could also be that he
is in search of something more substantial and solid too (emotionally,
mentally, intellectually, interpersonally-a more solid partner he can really see
himself with for a long time or lifetime).
BUT and BECAUSE … (this next one is always the
8-ball in the corner pocket, so read it carefully):
3). You have to “trap” him. And what I mean by trap
him is that gone-are the tired, trifling and trite days of trapping men with
emotional blackmail, babies, physical beauty, good sex etc. Men are getting
smarter and harder (in those regards). A woman who is with a man (where the
abovementioned numbers 1 and 2 are issues notin her favor), she had better be
“trapping” him with a “life business plan”-something she is doing herself-to
better herself in her life.
Because men (evolved men) are just as turned on by physical beauty/good sex
etc., as they are by “building” things to have things-solid things: material
+ relationship (when he’s evolved). A man who can see building
something with a woman (and even better when):
- he can see she is
doing it for herself and is including him
- she is useful to
him and able to help him with his with whatever it is he does
- if he sees that
because of what she’s doing even opposite what he does, it still has the
potential of building an “empire of a relationship”-large or small
man is more apt to be with/stay with that woman as if number 1 and 2 aren’t
even factors within the relationship, because lust and desire and a man
having to “want” you is just one side of men. This (number 3) is an example
of the evolved men-they are out there, and I would never write a book or
offer suggestions to a woman without acknowledging that they still exist.
That being said (with regard to this number 3), please refer toGem19, the section called: “In The Interest of Interest: Don’t
Underestimate the Power of a Man’s ‘Interest’ In You.”
Go on and click and read it right now-it’s not that long. In that section, I
mention an endearing situation (true story) about a guy who, in his eyes,
heart or mind; the girl he was getting to know and dating was not numbers 1
and 2-but something miraculous happened…(as explained in that Gem 19 section
I just had you click on).
At any rate, (regarding this number 3) women
have to keep this in mind: An evolved man (although he may not be devoid of
numbers 1 and 2) is kind of like the equivalent of a “gold-digger”
woman. They want stability, too (and I’m not talking about a man who has
nothing and uses you-I’m talking about the man that is working towards/has
something himself, but wants a woman to match or be able to do something with
him-to grow/build with her).
So although the number 3
type of man is still a man who thrives on number 1 and 2, and although
numbers 1 and 2 isn’t all that sustains an evolved man; if you hit the
jackpot with him and cornered him off at this number 3; it would behoove you
to dig deep into my RPC (Reverse Psychology Cheating) method that I write
extensively about in Gems 20 and 21(because
you’re gonna need it. He’s still a man: flesh, has his own thoughts, and can
still move his body to do whatever he set up in his mind to do). The woman in
you needs to find a way to corner his desires (like in numbers 1 and 2-abovementioned).
So read Gems 20 and 21 to find out just how.
some more of your inquiry (regarding your guys’ cheating in the past), I do
not get into flat cliché’s like: “once a cheater always a cheater,” because
everybody’s person and situation is always unique. Rather than blanket
statements like that, I offer suggestions and points, then I let you find
your own situation in the suggestion + take a pick from the points and decide
for yourself-no matter how strong and to the point, I stay true to all that I
suggest and point out (so you have to be true to your self and decide). When
I write bookslike: FEEL LIKE A LADY. DEAL
LIKE A MAN Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love,
Sex, and Men, the
reason I began the book like I did withGems 1-8,is because those first eight
chapters are specifically about women working themselves. Because until you
can handle what I suggest and point out in there, you won’t be able to handleGems
be inconceivable in thought to you (much less-trying those unusual sexual and
intimate exercises with your man).
Having said all that; let me
suggest and point these things out (about your 5.18.13 inquiry).
If a man who is in a
committed or live-in relationship:
- has other emotional
- other non-sexual
single a man who may text, have emotional relationships, or non-sexual
relations just the same; both are in search of something they:
- do not have
- are not getting
- definitely want (or
feel they need)
…the single man, or the man
in a relationship having those kinds of goings on are the same (in that
regard). There is no other “excuse” or way around dressing those facts
often times more emotional than women (but in areas that affect their
manhood-how they feel about themselves and their presentation to the world
and women in general).
In their lifetime (committed or single); their
ego will have been shattered a thousand times (and several times daily)-be it
a look, an ignoring, a conversation gone wrong etc., They are sort of
conditioned to “replace” those type of swipes and auto-rejections. So
committed or single, they just may say or do things like “text[ing]
a girl he met at a bar [with] no intention of pursuing it,” because (again)
they are in search of something they do not have, are not getting, want, or
feel they need, therefore, they definitely (text, have emotional relationships, and
other non-sexual goings on] for one or two reasons:
A). a man
feels emasculated, not “in control” in his relationship in that he may not
feel valued, desired, and most of all-respected as a man
B). a man
is indeed in search of something with someone knew and therefore, is
interested in moving from that spark of a matchbook moment he may have felt
(with that other woman).
truthfully, and I have to be frank with you. Men will indeed pass time with a
woman for years at a time even-all the while being in search of his mind and
reiterate--the bottom line is the fact that when a man does something not
right, or not good for their committed relationship; they are in search of
something they do not have, are not getting, want, or feel they need. The
question is only the woman such as yourself can answer (considering you know
the dynamics of your own relationship and situation), is whether the reason
is because of A or B. In being true to yourself, you have to take your pick.
As far as the blank stare
his friend gave you (and the response that pretty much confirmed for you that
he was cheating), I wouldn’t be so concerned about that-his possible cheating
(again), as I would be concerned about finding out that he texted some girl
he met and the fact that he said from his mouth: “it just felt good to
have someone interested [in him] other than [you]” because (in regard to
the relationship and a woman loving + wanting to keep her man) taking his
intent, mind, and/or heart elsewhere, can be much bigger an issue than where
he took his body because:
A) or B) is the reason why
-number 1) and/or 2) is
enough to hold his interest (for however long), but if through getting to
know another woman through texting or other non-sexual emotional affairs, he
discovers number 3) about her-that could be just the ticket that makes a man
do much more than “step out” of a committed relationship (hence why I stress
the importance for any woman being very concerned with what I said in number
woman is in a relationship by which the foundation has nothing to build on,
it is much easier for that man to step out on it, step on and crush the
If you like/love a man (and you can
truthfully say to yourself-without force-that he likes/loves/wants you) + he
is taking up all the time that your mind, heart, and body allows (that you
are willing giving him); then handle your functions WITH him:
"wife-like," not like "a girlfriend," because he will
treat you like a GIRL who's a FRIEND.
The reality is, if you’re already
DOING, like “I do;” then BE, by exhibiting: “I am.”
If the love and feelings are mutual;
you can't lose doing, being, and exhibiting that.
In closing, I’ll say this.
the information you’ve given me in your 5.16.2013 + your 5.18.13 inquiry, I
still do not know if (to him) you were that 1, 2, and/or 3 in his life, and too-with what you’ve
given me, I still cannot say if A or B is his reason (only you know the
dynamics of your own situation).
But what I can confidently
say is, regardless, I feel that what I explain inGems20and21are near bulletproof remedies in salvaging any relationship
by which the passion and willingness to communicate is still there-despite
any circumstance had, or going on within the relationship-(past or present).
And too Kirsten, in this answer back to your
inquiry, I listed all remedies and solutions that I feel are useful (and
specific to what you’ve given me to work with). While reading my reply,
hopefully you clicked all links, read, and considered them all.
sincere hopes they will be of use to you, my best.
Thank you. Good Luck and
Thanks for including this on your site, I do follow and enjoy your work and enjoy your pov alot.
My question is about heartbreak.
What do you think is a good time limit on how long somebody should allow themselves to endure it and do you think of it,,
like how, lets say whoever broke off the engagement doesn’t get the ring, like.., do you think whomever did the heartbreaking
should unbreak it and help them out of it or no?
I always hear: ‘get over it’ or ‘you can’t hang on,’ as advice but its not that cut and dry.
So too, answer me back with the realness, like how if you yourself were going through heartbreak ,
how would you handle it or what advice would you yourself think consider for your own self and your own life.
Just answer me like that kind of realness from personal experience if you would.
couple of areas on my site, I make mention that when I write
books, blogs, essays etc.; (although I do free write/creative-write from
imagination) as well, I write from experience, or observation-that’s real—I
do. My slogan atop his page: (Erotic
| Introspective | Reflective | Self-Efficacious
| Metaphysical Literature )...is not a gimmick. Even when
I write a story of fiction/drama, regardless the plot or storyline; I always
build them and buildonthem around real life scenarios
I observed (or experienced to some degree or another).
appreciate your wanting “the realness” (that was funny when I read it). I can
understand that because with an audience of people looking on (or following
you closely), I too (when observing people speaking/posting) often wonder if
their suggestions, advice, or commentary is coming from personal experience,
close observation, from a vivid imagination, what they wish were true, or
just--what “should be.”
Even if I create/conjure up
a scene or situation from my mind, it won’t go in a book until tried or
tested--down to the psychology or the philosophy, the art or the science. As
I writer, you’ll conjure up and create a lot in fiction, but if it hasn’t
been at bare minimum-tried and tested (if not experienced or observed as
true/having happened), then I believe it’ll come off unbelievable-no matter
how well you bring the story together. I don’t believe it in “out there”
pivotal moments in writing (or in suggestions given to anyone or posting “out
there” kinds of things for which I know nothing about (just to have an
audience or sound important) for the record, Demetria.
When I started this segment
on my site, I knew that I would have to be a little more open (as a “person”)
than answering my readers as an “author” (hence why it took a while for me to
get this section started-because I was actually going to do it over a year
But still, there is a
divide-a line that since (to the world who doesn’t know me personally, I am a
writer/author); I am selective about being “open” to my interest and point
being able to specifically direct you (a reader/supporter/person who doesn’t
know me personally) to some area of a book/s that I’ve written, and share
with you from there.
I answer a question back and I haven’t experienced it; I will be honest by
prefacing what I suggest by stating that I haven’t, but I will indeed offer
you what Iwould do should I ever be faced with such
[or said thing].
being said, yes, I’ve experienced heartbreak-who hasn’t?
(I know you already played
that response out in your mind but let me say this).
general the feeling of heartbreak is, there are several different kinds of
heartbreak ranging from domestic to romantic (all which we all handle
loss of life of a family/friend/love(r) heartbreak
C. love & relationship heartbreak
which has one of three
caused your heartbreak
caused the heartbreak
to circumstances and situations; both parties’ hearts got broken
…To answer your question
(and hopefully be in your “realness” good gracesJ),
I’ve experienced all three at all stages of my life while evolving as a
According to your inquiry,
it sounds like your issue is (C.)-the love and relationship heartbreak although
(from reading it) I was not able to determine if 1, 2, or 3 applied to
When people are dealing with
heartbreak, I think it’s very insensitive for advice to be given (whether it
be from someone they know personally or some random acquaintance), to suggest
they just “get over it,” (whatever choice of words used to say just that
that love and relationship heartbreak should be given the same respect and
consideration that we would give when trying to help someone through
heartbreak of loss of life.
Psychologically speaking (for all human
beings), any person or thing that comes into your life that you acquaint
yourself with for any period of time-if it leaves or is lost, consciously or
subconsciously, our psyche goes through a grieving process of some kind (to
As human beings, because we have a natural
hierarchy need to belong, and physiological need for love, sex, and
affection; obviously with a person (rather than a thing/object) if they leave
our life/part ways (whether it be for reason 1, 2, or 3); we will grieve
harder [than over a thing/object].
Since I do not know which of the three applies
to you I’ll answer all three:
Caused Your Heartbreak
The main thing that causes
heartbreak is this: Palpations. Planning. Pace.
It’s this simple:
When our heart beginspalpitatingfor someone, our mind begins toplanout how things are going to be,
should be and/or how we intend for things to be-both ways (our part and from
our love/(r). And when that love/(r) doesn’t adhere to, respond to, or
completely deviates from our plan; they’ve thwarted thepacein which we have already hoped, or
wished for (and in our minds-planned for)-therefore, those palpitations turn
My suggestion is this:
If the love/(r) was too, in
on + reciprocated the planning, pace and palpations then unexpectedly (or
explained to you) why he/she deviated from everything, and the bottom line
was—they want out, let them out. Grieve alone. Allow yourself as much time as
you need to do it, however (safe and healthy) and wherever you wish to, and
press the pause button on anyone who will not lend you and ear and their
empathy and understanding past telling you to “get over it” and “move on.”
Whatever it is you need to do or whomever you need to talk (or vent to) for
however long to get through this; do not seek to lay these feelings on/share
with/beg/bargain/emotionally blackmail or bother the love/(r) who “caused
your heartbreak” (unexpectedly or by explaining to you he/she wanted out).
Deal with it any way you
have to-but make a clean break away.
Dealing with it this way is
healthier because you allow yourself the freedom to cry (cleanse) alone, or
with someone who is willing to help you make the clean break [away].
and as much as we would like to believe that “love conquers all” and there’s
no shame, pride, etc., where there is “love;” that is only reserved for love
where there is a mutual understanding and like/reciprocation of it. You lose
all pride and shame ONLY for someone who is, and would do it for you.
Because opposite that, love
was conquered, therefore all becomes in “war.”
Reciprocate and give love
where love is wanted and received. Digress where love is rejected, and not
keep myself in your “realness” good-gracesJyes, I’ve experienced that this kind
of heartbreak—especially in my teen, and young adult (21-26) years. When I
began to evolve, and make sense of my situations at hand; I simply decided
that I would rather deal with the hurt alone or with the empathetic shoulder
of friends who cared about me, than to hang on to the leg of a love/(r) who
showed me better than he could tell me, that I the relationship was being
held up and made so-by my effort but at his convenience. And when I saw it asthat(as was), I refused to give of
myself to those person’s anymore. And I moved on. And guess what? When I
evolved, each one of them came back to me-practically, and on bended knee.
Not because I’m so “beautiful,” but because I gave it my best and too, I
never lost my “mystery” and my self to either one of them. And although they
knew and loved me (to the extent that they could at the time); they never did
“get finished” knowing me. Things from my personal past, and my own issues
(then), disallowed me to be certain “ways” with them and too, I’ve always had
other friends or family members with situations that I saw as “cautionary
tales” about how giving up too much to some man who’s not my husband—how it
can backfire, emotionally bankrupt, or even damage you. So with that, I’ve
always kept some of “me” on reserve-no matter how fluid I seemed (for
continuity of the relationship). But if you want to keep up withhow I loosely base these
same kinds of examples and drama/life scenarios in the form of a journey life
drama (book), you can keep up with my “Angie Situation” series I’m writing.
Caused Your Heartbreak
This one is pretty simple.
My suggestion is this:
If something you did or said
broke someone’s heart to the point (and because the love/(r) left you and as
a result, you are grieving as if they broke your heart; then by all
means-lose all pride and shame and do whatever it takes to win them back (I’d
say). I can only give a generalization to this one without knowing exactly
what was done or said (and the dynamics of the relationship).
But, generally speaking-if
you caused the heartbreak and it returned results that ended up breaking
yours too-then yes—do all that you have to do to try and work it out.
But if you caused the
heartbreak simply because you wanted out and didn’t effectively express
yourself, then (if you believe in it or no) any karma due you would be
between you and the God of Karma I guess.
*And to keep myself in your
“realness” good-gracesJyes, I’ve “caused someone’s
heartbreak” in my unevolved days where the capacity to effectively
communicate was non-existent (teen years) or young adult years (21-26) I had
the capacity to but chose not to out of revenge, anger, or being shiesty or
whatever, I’d say that I was forced to face other situations that very well
could be karma (or natural life happenings) that broke me in ways that
perhaps, I did the same emotional damage to someone else once upon a time in
3 - Due to Circumstances and Situations; Both Parties’ Hearts Got
This one is pretty
complicated-almost like some unrequited love or Romeo and Juliette situation.
And these situations can vary whether it be two people who were unfaithful to
other partners and both fell in love but couldn’t be together, or distances
too far put them in a situation as such, or (like Romeo and Juliette);
cultural or family rivalry put them in a situation—all kinds of other
personal, occupational, or domestic situations [can result in both parties
having broken hearts and the situation having divided them both].
Offering a suggestion to
something like this wouldtotallydepend on the dynamics of the
situation and I can only offer a suggestion to one by which I’ve experienced
[where the situation broke both of our hearts and drew a wedge between the
relationship] that could have been wonderful, but both of us were the blame
for several things that happened that caused both of us to act and react that
eventually-the situation got bigger than the both of us. But because of our
circumstances, it divided us-which then left us with facing each other with
what was or never was (was it real-what we had). Well, turns out, it was
real; because the other party made sure we both were in the clear that the
situation divided us (somewhat) but we were still “us.” After a while, a
situation like that became emotionally confusing to me and I couldn’t
determine if the attentiveness and their ways of showing me that “no mountain
was high enough” was a way to keep me around and from moving on. After a
while, I wasn’t able to, and I completely shut down because every “mountain”
was climbed and own by the other party yet I got the molehill end of the deal
in that the other party pretty much had me cornered: partially, from the
upset and hurt emotions they felt but at the same time, felt like punishment
to me. So it messed me up for a good stretch of time. And I cried every
day-even in spurts (in the daytimes, while driving or hell—walking out of a grocery
store). I was a mess at one point.
I would recommend a clean
break: an agreement to both leave with broken hearts (if the situation or
circumstance is bigger than the “love” or “relationship” could obviously
To do anything other than
that is to put your life on hold for years. And if the “love” and the
“relationship” were indeed able to withstand the turbulence, then it would
indeed conquer the circumstance or situation-without question or confusion.
But how long do you wait on
that-to see? That is the question.
Whether it be amongst
friends, or in a relationship (where too much has happened to try and build
on), sometimes when it comes to forgiveness or heartbreak [and even with the
best of intentions] it can often times be too much, or too little, or too
late and therefore, becomes best to do away with it all. And hopefully what
could have been-was enough to show each party where they went right or wrong,
and they can take that lesson with them and show them what not to do (wrong)
with the next friendship or love/(r)—to put them back in the same
All that being said, that’s the best way I can
answer that example because again, I would need to know if the situation had
personal, occupational, or domestic dynamics that caused the situation to be
as it [is, or may be].
*Again, hopefully I kept
myself in your “realness” good-gracesJand too, answered your question in
this reply somewhere.
without enough to work with—in knowing the exact dynamics (whether [C.]: your
love and relation heartbreak was because of 1, 2, or 3); I feel confident
that you will find yourself and the solution in here somewhere and too, we
both helped somewhere else in the world in here for sure, right?
Thank you Demetria.
Good Luck. Good Love♥
(And be well).
My name’s Lisa.
I am in a very good relationship with a man who I actually went to high school with, after then,
we went our separate ways and ended up bumping into each other in college years later where he attended Morehouse and I attended Clark.
We never knew the other was still so close all this time.
Long story short, we dated for a while and with so much in common (not to mention being so far from home)
we were fast friends all over again like high school. It was magical. I promise you.
We got engaged after we graduated, we both have great jobs, neither of us have any kids, we’re both attractive,
our families already know each other, so it was like we wasted no time making plans for a family and getting to that alter after getting engaged.
But shortly thereafter is where things started going south.
I can admit that I share some blame in the fact that our storybook romance hit a brick wall.
Part of me is somewhat angry because I almost feel like he killed the dream but too,
he says I killed his fantasy from my being so insecure and ‘naggadocious’ is his reason, I call it an excuse.
I try and think positive and no, I have never caught him cheating, but here lately, about a year now, I strongly suspect that he is.
I just haven’t caught him. I will admit, like any woman in a committed relationship would, I do check his online activity and the history folder every night.
I do expect him to toll his absence, to respect the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not to the point where I’m nearing looking for him in the daylight with a flashlight, but I can tell he’s cheating,
the change in him is drastic, very, and he hardly likes to be at home.
We have no kids. Both have perfect health. We take care of ourselves, and our bodies.
We have active social lives, lots of friends in common and a perfect life.
For a year now, it’s been baffling me as to why we’re at a point where if wasn’t for the fact that he still comes home every night,
helps pays the bills and all, I would feel single.
Of the both of us, he’s the breadwinner. But I cook, I clean, I wash his clothes and with a job that keeps me busy,
I still manage to care for him and our home as if we have a family bigger than the two of us.
We’re rolling into years now ‘engaged’ and the plans for a family and getting married are now being replaced
with questions of his whereabouts and all things surrounding that.
We went from a relationship of familiarity with the speed of a speeding bullet to merely going through the motions now, zig zag.
I think I lost him, but his body is still here.
I love him, and he says he still loves me. All I need to do is know that his body is or has been elsewhere, and that is where he can stay.
What do you “suggest?”
Thank you for your inquiry.
Let me start by saying the
very first thing that came to my mind as I was reading your inquiry-all the
way through to the very end of it: The dynamics of your relationship is one
to envy if for nothing else, this one thing for sure: You both are “single”
(single in that although the two of you are engaged, you both have no kids
between you two). That eliminates what can sometimes be those typical outside
stressors: exes that a couple can never really just ‘X’ out of their relationship-also
known as “baby daddys” or “baby mamas.”
Other plusses I found redeeming about your relationship (that
you two had in common) was the fact that you were both college educated, both
had great jobs, and very important thing that you should consider a valuable
thing—the fact that the relationship was taken from one level to the next:
you got engaged.
must admit, I did hear the sound of a scratched record at the point where (in
so many words) you mentioned when you guys got engaged, it was so much excitement.
You practically made it to the alter the next day, and then all of a sudden
you look up—and this engagement bliss turned into being engaged + living
together where now the excitement of riding off into the sunset of married
bliss is being replaced by turmoil where the premise and conclusion is
revolving around his stating your being insecure is ruining/has ruined
everything (and sounds to me like the only thing that’s pretty much giving
him second thoughts).
when a man says these words: “You’re insecure” or “You are too insecure.”
Do you really want to know
what he’s saying?
(I’m going to give it to you
strong so that it will send a jolt to you so that you can really feel it—and
are fighting with invisibilities, things unseen, and having not
happened—bringing it to my face, putting it in my ears, and [or] bringing it
into my household, and with it-fucking up my peace of mind. As a result of
that (although I love you), it makes me not “want” you, or want to commit
myself to marrying and spending my life with somebody like you. How could I,
when at every moment in time that I can, I actively think about, seek, and
look forward to not hanging around you any more than I have to simply because
you are insecure. It colors this whole relationship and it’s bleaching and
pushing me the hell out.”
We women don’t realize the importance of being whole before we
combine and commit ourselves to another half of another person. When we do
combine and commit ourselves to another person without being “whole,” all of
our own personal unfinished business turn into insecurities that we bring
over into our relationships [and too, we don’t acknowledge as the baggage
that it really is].
What is this unfinished
Let me explain it like
this-so you can feel me.
We live in a right-brained (“concrete”) society where structure,
and an order of things is set up to lead us, and teach us to move on to one
thing, then into the other thing, and then into the next (as we grow and
evolve). We can’t move on into these things and onto other things until we
get the lesson from the thing before it—and then we reach that “top of the
pyramid” (so to speak).
Let’s start withLIFE(this is the sure-thing/for
-You are born.
-You get your “social
-You develop and grow by
first learning that you have a body.
-You then become aware of
-You then become aware that
an emotion that you express will illicit a reaction/response.
-You then get to be as
child-like and free-spirited as you naturally will be until around age five.
After that, you have grown enough and developed such that you understand
correction and now being taught by your parents (or the outside world) that
some things you do, or say can, and will be frowned upon. So then your whole
natural self is suppressed (in order to join the world matrix).
-The life show is now
Now, we are at the point of
life to prepare you for theWORLD(in this “supposed” order):
-The bureaucracy of school:
to teach you order, that there is a time for everything (especially Monday
through Friday at certain times of the days. Teachers will remind you, or
bells will ring to remind you).
-Preschool through grade
twelve (instruction and tools for them are given or loaned to you).
-College (no more bells or
teachers hand guiding you. At this point, you are responsible for getting
yourself up and to class on time and doing your own Monday-Friday thing by
your own maverick and as well, you are responsible to pay for instruction and
the tools by which you will be instructed).
-Job or Career (pay your
-Marriage (by this time, you
are expected to be a fully capable and responsible adult).
-Big house on the hill, two dogs
that go: “woof woof.”
the “world” game, when we jump the track (off that order of things)
something happens in our lives happen: it gets thwarted in directions that
cause challenge in our lives-sometimes stressful, other times we get back on
track somewhere in there later times in our lives, or we deviate from that
plan and do other unconventional and impractical things to make a life or
living for ourselves (sometimes it works out, other times it doesn’t, and the
rest of us turn that into a hustle and way a life throughout all our
The same thing happens when we jump the track
commit ourselves into relationships by which we had unfinished business
ourselves: things crash or go haywire. We tangle ourselves in wires that we
have to go through life untangling because we didn’t plug in to the source
(first) before the transference of energy began-so we end up back and forth
trying to get a surge (from someone else’s power-to get life from it-in order
to power up).
business is important (personally) because we really need to fully understand
ourselves in order to find out what we are all about (alone, single,
singular, as an individual). That helps us learn what interests us, and helps
us find out what we’re skilled or good at, that too-leads us into being
inspired, which then makes usambitious—gives
us something to look forward to, or work toward; giving usself-worth (be it a dream, a job, or a career).
applies to both men and women.
But as women (unlike men), we have a different
kind of issue that (the only “pride” we have about it-is addressing it)-and
it’s one that, although men may feel it towards one another; being
demonstrative in expressing it is something their pride typically
will not let them do as wantonly, openly, and brazenly as women will amongst
one another (hence, why men do NOT have the same insecurities as we women do,
and why they have such a hard time understanding where our insecurities are
coming from when we bring it to them!) It’s a silent evil that gets into our
soul, into our spirits, and then we bring it to our man and into our
homes-and he has NOTHING to do with it.
thing is called "Enmity:" unspoken
enmity without ever having so much as having spoken one word to that other
woman that somewhere inside us, we tell our soul that she is an enemy-even at
a glance, in passing, or no association with her at all.
You know who she is: that
girl at the checkout counter, that girl that just passed by you all scantly
clad in dress, that girl on your Facebook or Twitter that you stalk daily and
sit at your computer screen screaming at who’s done nothing to you-the one
who doesn’t even know exist yet, you swear you hate that bitch don’t you? You
hate her so much that you programmed your gadgets to let you know when she’s
online just so you can take a moment out of your day to spew some venom her
way to make yourself feel better.
It’s that girl on your first
day of your exercise class who, on her way in, just watched you be “Miss
Personality” in your big grandiose display of saying hello to the guy
preparing for class but when she walks toward you with a jovial and friendly
‘hello,’ you cut your eyes and barely, if at all, return the sentiment.
this girl, that girl, andevery girl (who youdon’t know).
Yet, you have lots of great girlfriends and a
close circle of “positive,” “Godly,” “spiritual,” “successful,” and
“well-adjusted” friends-so you’re not (consciously) insecure with the rest of
the girls in the world who you don’t know, yet (impulsively) that scantily
clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise
class, or the girl who just walked by you earned your scorn because why? Oh.
She deserved it huh?
You’re “attractive” but too, you’re probably
one of those girls out here who has it all together right?:
-You have “a great
relationship with your man”
-You have “great friends,”
-You have “a great job,”
-You have a “great and
awesome social life,”
that list girl. You’re just all put together huh?
Well I’m going to break it down you like this.
When you talk about the part in your email “I
haven’t caught him cheating, but I seriously suspect it,” [sic]I suspect that the scantily clad
dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or
the girl who just walked by you is probably those same types of girls who you
“strongly suspect” he’s probably out there cheating with huh?
I am going to reiterate something to you that
I mentioned earlier in this reply:
Lisa, when a man says these words: “You’re too
He is saying: “You are
fighting with invisibilities, things unseen, and having not happened—bringing
it to my face, putting it in my ears, and [or] bringing it into my household,
and with it-fucking up my peace of mind. As a result of that (although I love
you), it makes me not “want” you, or want to commit myself to marrying and
spending my life with somebody like you. How could I, when at every moment in
time that I can, I actively think about, seek, and look forward to not
hanging around you any more than I have to simply because youareinsecure. It colors this whole
relationship and it’s bleaching and pushing me the hell out.”
Let me give you an example
You talk and texted with him
all day at work
He gets off work, and atdecides to get a table at
the after hours with the fellas for a couple of drinks/bite to eat.
They leave at,
they then decide to burn it all off by hitting the gym and playing a little
basketball fromto(during which time, he left
his cell phone in the car to charge).
After the gym, he returns to
his car and a cell phone with texts on fire-on his way back home to you—on
fire as well: ready to fight with him about [that scantily clad dressed girl,
the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or the girl who
just walked by you] who you “seriously suspect” he was out with.
is his having to fight with you about goings on inyour head and inyour soul that hasnothing to do with him even after his
giving you the play-by-play of his day from 8-4, then, thenand then
home to you.
Female insecurity is a
language that men not only are not apart of, but simply cannot understand.
And you’re certainly not going to say to him: “I know you were out with that
scantily clad dressed girl, or that girl from online that I hate, or that
girl from my new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by me today!”
…You’d sound crazy saying
that wouldn’t you?
…Well, that’s just about how
crazy you look fighting him with that in your subconscious, from that
collection of self-inflicted pain and enmity that you told your soul, put in
your spirit, and dumped off on him and bring into your own household.
what I read in your inquiry Lisa, you have a good relationship and certainly,
an enviable set of circumstances in which such awonderful sleuth
of “firsts” can begin.
The two of you seem to have
a lot in common, and from I can tell-he mustreallywant you, because you two have no
other ties that bind you but what you have between you: each other.
according to what I gathered (from reading your inquiry), he’s doing well for
himself and can pick up and leave you at any time (if he didn’t love you/want
to be with you). And if you don’t stopactingon the “I seriously suspect he is cheating”
ritual that you [are most probably doing-the one that’s making him call you
insecure and “nagadocious” too, is probably the reason why a fast engagement
nearly headed for the alter is now on ice] you are probably going to lose
him-for your insecurities alone. That’s soooooooooooo annoying to men. A
woman’s insecurity (especially if he hasn’t given her solid proof or reasons
to bring them to him + if he taking care of/doing right by her, the
relationship, or the household) is amajor
turn off on
top of anything else.
Female insecurity (where
you’re fighting him with invisibilities, things unseen and having not
happened, then bringing them to his face, ears, and into the relationship) is
an interruption to his peace of mind. It’s an interruption of peace right up
there with having being cheated on. Anything else outside of those two
things, men will hang in there with the woman he truly loves.
As far as
these “strong suspicions” and insecurities are concerned, you have to know
that enmity with women that share this world with you [who you do not know
personally and therefore-all in your head] is an unhealthy kink in your
spirit and true female character (away from all that outwardly may seem so
positive about your well-adjusted, successful, spiritual/Godly and happy self
with the great social life, great relationship, great friends).
Don’t only trick yourself into “magic” but
Rituals of speaking great things into
existence, thinking positive, and the “I don’t want to hear or be around any
negativity” today etc., should extend further and much deeper than the
material, good, or majestic energies you want for yourself.
Don’t stop there and refuse
to check your very own impulses, subconscious and things that you may act on
(even if harbored in the privacy of your own head and your own heart).
like you would be so quick to adhere to rituals of things you want for, and
around you; don’t ignore making for yourself, rituals to rid yourself of
things that goon inside of you too
(that cause insecurity)-those have to be dealt with first (remember—there is
an order of things in LIFE and in this WORLD and too, there is an order of
things for yourself…
No matter what, he who has the emotion should
be the first to extend, amend, expend, or suspend.
The self-ritual is simple (for all “insecure”
women-who men refer to as such):
Stop seeing other women who you focus on as
imagined enemiesas if somehow the other side of the
world [of the ones that youdon’t see-that your mandoes see-in his view] are going to
disappear into oblivion. Instead of suspending that silly, ridiculous,
useless energy chipping at your soul and spirit; spend it by replacing that
energy into a respectful head nod, a pleasant hello, gentle smile, and
positive thoughts about what you’re focusing on and screaming at the screen
about. Since you obviously enjoy it/her in that you tend to it or her daily,
make for yourself-a ritual that what it is you really envy or see as enmity;
like magic, learn to see it as a pleasantry and be done with it.
Do all those things and you’ll learn to keep
moving (and spend your energy healthily).
As you get in the habit of
doing them, you stop seeing other women (who you yourself selectively hone in
on, or in passing) as enemies and instead; respect the fact that they have
just as much a right to exist and breathe as you yourself do.
I don’t care what happens, what is going on around you, or what is happening
for you, or no matter how spiritual, Godly, positive, successful, happy,
well-adjusted, you seem, and I don’t care how much of [an otherwise] great
relationship you have with your man, or how many great friends, awesome
social life, or what a great job you have; how is that you think you’re really
going to win if you’re not right within? I’m not talking about that scantily
clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise
class, or the girl who just walked by you (all whom you don’t even know), I’m
talking aboutyou—the one youdoknow?
Don’t ruin [what seems to me] is an otherwise
good and enviable relationship by a mere saying “hi” to a woman in passing
while with your man can turn into a knock-down drag-out two week brawl in
which he’s so emotionally blackmailed that the mere sight of a co-worker
seeing you two out together and her saying “hello” to him could leave him
standing there breathless and stuck like a deer in headlights and afraid to
speak back because he’s got to deal with your insecurities-and he’s “man
down” for two months.
When a man is made to feel like that in his
household (or around his woman in the relationship), he doesn’t want to
really be around you (no matter how much he loves you).
But in order for a man to
have to really and trulywant
you, he has to like being a friendwithyou (nottoyou-butwith you)—that’s
why (otherwise, or most often times) men are most comfortable (and with)
Remember, there is an order
A man has to:
-be attracted to you
..butwantingyou is an altogether different thing
that requires him wanting to hang around you-other than that, he’s just
earning his keep i.e.–coming home every night, paying for, or going half on
the bills, half on the babies, and making love you: That’s just the rituals
let the silliness of traditional relationship talk where the woman (who,
because she cooks, clean, washes clothes and makes love to her man) makes for
one happy man and home. No,she is merely earningher keep (in that regard). Don’t get
You’ll be surprised at how many [seemingly
“happy” homes] are reallysurviving on
relationship rituals-both the man and the woman “earning their keeps,” but
sometimes, needing more than “earning keep” is why a man will cheat.
Lisa,the key to atruly(not
seemingly) happy home ishappy man after
he’s earned it-SUBMIT TO THAT! Not a man just earning his keep, but a
man whowants to hang around you. He can only
want to hang around you if you too, are indeed “earning your keep”+(and
equally as important) giving him peace of mind……………….by hanging up your
insecurities. Let that man
love you. Stop interrupting his peace of mind by fighting mind
phantoms-looking for stuff that isn’t even there that too, is making him not
even want to be there.
we really wants to hang around you-that is when that man is “kept” because
that is when he feels like a whole respected king.
As a king goes, so goes his world (if you
truly want a happy home).
If that king is not (truly and really) “kept”
he “goes” …as much as he can be go far-far away from you and the household
but returns daily to earn his keep.
But if that king is truly and really “kept”
…then (willingly + automatically) hanging around you and in his household is
where he stays.
Lisa. It already seems like you have good
love. But don't lose it oversomething silly.
I have a question, well, a concern that I would like for you to be so kind as to answer as soon as possible if you could, please...
My boyfriend (yes, my boyfriend-not my fiancé) whom I’ve been together with for a little over a year now,
for the past I say maybe four or five months, has been periodically hinting that now that we are together and I know he loves me,
he would like for me to undo some things that were done up and that I was doing before and in the beginning when he met me.
Although he isn’t really pressuring me, when the subject comes up it turns into an argument which after its all over,
I’m feeling nine ways self conscious about myself and before we started having these discussions, I felt secure, sexy,
and happy and desired, and its like now he is taking that away from me slowly but surely and I find myself not even wanting to be around him.
So much so that for the first time in the whole year that we’ve been together, I’m finding myself loving being adored by other men who like
me just the way I was when I met him and doing just what I was doing when I met him (my boyfriend).
How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man,
it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not. It’s like now that he’s got me, he acts like who I am and how I look is not what he wants,
now and wants to strip me of me and change me and it’s plaguing the relationship.
What do you suggest or say about stuff like this? Because quite a few of my friends have gone through this and
I’m sure you and some girlfriends you know too have gone through this at one time or another.
HA! Tara! You go
For a minute, I’m going to a
jump the gun and tell you in advance what the end of my reply is going to all
boil down to by quoting a very poignant part of your inquiry.
Your stating: “How I look
and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was
doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not”
…is EVERYTHING, my diamond. That is everything!
That doesn't get me out of
answering your question though, so let me explain.
I am a woman, and before I
really starting loving myself like I’m supposed to, and really getting into
myself and attracting the type of men who knew, loved and respect that; I went through a lot of awkward phasesand someunique
a while that brought me to some realizations about a lot of things in dealing
with men and life that in the end, helped me to be the seasoned woman that I
am when it comes to my love life, life, and my men-no matter the terrain.
Once you’re “there” (seasoned) it’s like riding a bike: you’ll always know
how to ride (survive) on that.
I loosely based a fiction
story of just some of those experiences in my “Angie Situation” series. So,
if you are reader/supporter of mine and you like fiction drama biographical;
be sure to check the series out.
At any rate, I LOVE to hear,
talk to, and listen to a woman be able to feel how she feels BUT be able to
give me something to work with to let me know that even beyond her emotions
(or hurt); she has it in her to get beyond what she’s going through based on
the fact that she has some foundation of strength and sensibilities despite
how we all sometimes take our slips and falls when it comes to love (no matterhowseasoned we become). So your
statement: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress
rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I
am whether he likes it or not” …says more than you think it did (or give
yourself credit for). We’ll get back to that.
But let me say something to
you really quick about my thought process before I lay on you what I’m about
to lay on you regarding answering your question.
Because I feel that rather
than just throwing out an answer to you and hitting you with my point of
view, I insist on explaining where I’m coming from (hence why I like this
“Ask Angie” part of connecting with my readers. And too, in my nonfiction
books-in the Introduction and the very beginnings of all of them; I am very
thorough about where I am coming from to better explain why I am the
“authority” about whatIwrote and authored about inthatbook ofthosepages that they are turning).
Whether they voice it or
not, all readers-readingnonfiction or how to’s(etc) especially about
relationship/sex etc. want to know: “Who do you think you are and how can
you speak on this?” I’ve found (and experienced) that unless it is
presented to them from behind a religious or spiritual buffer (female readers
especially) have that question-where other women/female nonfiction writers
are concerned about such subjects. And because I am straight-forward, young,
youthful, and ‘natural’; I find myself having to explain myself a little more
than what’s “typical.” You know what I mean?...
…I am a VERY ‘natural’ girl.
It’s like second nature for me to refer back to answering to myownquestions (for my own life)
based upon how much it relates to the natural order of things in direct
correlation with nature [or physics: action/reaction, what goes up/comes
down, put out/put in etc.]
Having said that, I don’t
force my “spiritual concepts” onto you because it sounds “spiritually sound,”
I don’t use (for myself)
concepts that fit a new what’s happening-to fit any kind of new thought
concept that is not “natural”--just to sound politically correct, or save
face to pacify you to garner your attention to be “liked” (while neglecting
to be truly truthful and deny “nature” in the process).
Like for instance, some new
concepts/new thought thinkers/teachers will say: “We are born happy,” or
“happy is our natural state” (or whatever)…
I don’t disrespect or fight
with nature because I’m trying to sell you “me” or my new “thought/process.”
So for me, nobody can just tell me something (no matter how “light-footed,”
“sound” and “positive,” it may seem) and expect me to believe that when I
have a whole natural concept of life (or the laws of physics) that tells me
Why is it we are not “born
to be happy?” I’ll tell you why.
We are happy in the womb.
There is a “heaven” and a mystique going on inside there [the womb] for a
whole nine months that we willneverbe able to talk about and explain
(any more than the dead will be able to tell come back and tell us what
“heaven” or “hell” is like when they leave).
But one thing is for certain
and two for sure; when we are pulled from that womb—we (as the religious say)
are born into “sin,” but generally speaking (and in simple comparison to
that), when we are born, we are exposed and shocked in such a way that
immediately interrupts our “heaven” and peace of mind.
So Tara, what
happens when we exit the womb?
We scream, holler, kick, and
cry like a banshee!
“What the hell just happened
here!” …is all a baby knows.
So we are not “bornhappy,” in this lifetime, wefindour happiness (or “hell”), and wemakeour “heaven” or “hell as we grow
through every single day and every stage of life. Even startled babies pulled
from the womb begin to know that-as they are cared for. And as we grow and
interact (and react); we learn what to do and what not to do in order to care
for ourselves and others (while giving heaven or hell, or being in receipt of
heaven or hell). Somewhere in that (in life), is where we have the daily
daunting or delightful task of creating, finding, or making or our “happy,”
because we are not born with it as a birthright any more than we are born in
to (at birth).
So you understand my
I won’t sell or tell you
some off the wall spiritual or light-footed concept and new thought that we
are born happy or that it is our birthright to be when [everything I just
explained to you] says different. It’s not even my opinion-NATURE SAYS SO.
And from birth to being an adult, you, me, and every single living person
experienced every single one of those “heaven” and “hell” experiences and
lost and found our happiness time and time again, right? It’s the cycle of
LIFE called “Life.”
For example (hypothetically
speaking) Tara, just because a new invention is being sold where there is a
lamp that you can plug into the wall and place over your plants without
having to water them, feed them, and give them air and sunlight anymore,
doesn’t mean that nature is going to go away because something “new” to
nurture nature is available sold on the market to you.
In my opinion Tara, that is
a visual of how we human beings are being fed information nowadays. And
nature is being denied. That’s why people can’t get it right. It’s like the
equivalent of “Global Warming”-where human beings/scientists are testing and
tampering with the natural order of nature in an attempt to warm the globe to
a certain climate all year round. In the middle of this arrogance, we (on earth)
have to deal with sinkholes, hurricanes, tornadoes, twisters, tsunami’s etc.
–out the wazoo.
The same things happen
(amongst each other-human beings).
Just like the result of
Global Warming, we have (humans) have “Temperament Clashing” when we try and
deny nature and what justis(all because somebody who
decided they were smart and who could offer us an ideal-began selling us a
new thought/theory/concept that makes us feel good for the moment so they can
keep our attention, attendance, loyalty, and money).
As a result of this (going
against what’s natural) we have these clashes-going through unnecessary
cycles of life and think it’s “living” and life “happening.” Not all the
time. If we simply respect nature (what’s natural), we have all our
answers-RIGHT THERE! Sometimes those answers feel awesome, and sometimes they
are painful and make us feel bad as hell. THAT’S the sign that we have work
to do-a life mission; something calling out to us to grow through it!--not to
run from it (or go buy a new lamp being sold on the market)…
Tara, are we
here now? *takes my index + middle finger and bounces it back and forth from
my eyes to your eyes* …‘cause I’m working you to my “big bang” reply to your
Nature canNOT be denied.
That lamp will blow out (and although you can buy another one and another one
and another one); air, sunlight, and water will still be here and always
needed to feed those plants to blossom and grow. So keep your feet planted
firmly on this earth and this ground you are down here walking on because
while here, your “heaven” or your “hell,” is up to you…
Consider yourself a
flower-needing to grow. And in order to TRULY grow [through, over, or past a
person, thing or situation], you can’t be fed artificial informationsimply becausethe masses accept it and it’s on
sale, or because it sounds “positive,” or “spiritually sound”—and stop right
there because you’re too coward to go through the pressure to perfect your
diamond or through the fire to Phoenix.
Imagine the trauma a
startledhelpless babyfeels being pulled from nine months
of “heaven” into the hell of a world that he/she (too) has to grow through in
order to find their bliss, happy or joy.
Everything good for you to
help you grow is not going to BE “positive” and “comfortable” for you. The
only comfort in truth is dictated by nature-so get comfortable with
respecting nature. It's not going to excuse your grown self from having
to submit to it, if it'll uproot a helpless baby from the womb to get out
here and get some of this life!
Nature doesn’t give adamnabout the fact that-that baby is
about to be interrupted, all she (natures) knows is: “This is not a
sit-in. You have been here nine months and it’s time to go and grow. Get out!”
Oh how cruel, huh?!
But babies and children
(0-5/6 years old), are closer to nature than we (grown) adults are. That’s
why they adapt to change better and can grasp a full understanding of nature
and physics (action/reaction). They understand and learn through how they act
being something that will elicit a reaction to pacify, (or through growing)
learns-punishes them. We adults spend more years going through life adapting
toeach other, our environment,
ideologies, and personal ideals that we buy them, subscribe to them and take
them on as “natural” because we are no longer “innocent” like babies and
children are therefore, we tend to disrespect and disregard nature (unlike
So in the sum of my
“natural” lesson and explanation, always ask yourself how “natural” (close to
nature) is what you’re being fed-because nature and the laws of physics is
Universal Law. You must obey it. So (excuse my French): I don’t give a damn
what’s being sold, or how many masses are buying it, no matter how much it
hurts me, seems “negative” or it’s too hard to me to deal with or accept; if
it matches nature and physics, then (like the daily daunting or delightful
task of creating, finding, or making my “happy”) with joy, I am going to be
in search of it. Not just to be pacified and sold something at the moment
that eventually will not work or will stop working-only for nature and what’s
natural to keep sticking me with a fork saying: “You’d better come get fed
what’s right or keep getting left behind bliss and real life (and true
So listen closely to what I
have to say about your inquiry:
My first reply is something
I don’t even have to belabor because you already articulated it clearly in
your inquiry: He’s your “boyfriend,” not your husband. So, in the “Book of
Angie,” technically, you are both single, but in a consistent/monogamous
relationship dress rehearsal (if you live apart) or (if you live together)
are in consistent/monogamous dress rehearsal for marriage. But even before
the “stage is set” (he becomes your fiancé or husband), one fact that will
never change regardless whatever does not, or does become of your future with
that man is this one thing: he is a male-a man.
Men are “visual” and the
cruel + strange dichotomy of a man’s nature versus what nutures him is the
difference in what his heart and mouth may say or feel versus what his actual
(instinctual) male nature responds to (that keeps him attracted and
interested). It’s something they can’t even articulate-it just happens.
Let me break it
to you like this. You know that whole “natural” lesson/ explanation I just
gave you (about how I respect and channel my theories and suggestions to
nature/physics?) The same is true about love and sex (two other things in
life that are natural for us).
When I write books about sex, I don’t
just write the same sex instruction book warmed over, I give details,
suggestions and positions on love making centered around true intimacy and
reaching into the male and female instinct, and like adhering to/respecting
nature and what’s natural you can’t be denied (but it won’t be).
Intimacy is a different kind
of thing than “sex,” or “love.”
It stands alone. It stands
alone in that it (intimacy) canexistin a sexual relationship and no love
involved, as well, (and much better) it cansurvivea relationship of sex + love (that
with-it creates a deeper bond than the average relationship).
That’s one thing (above
“love,” “sex,” and “intimacy”); they are three different things but do their
own thing however, when intertwined; can bring about an altogether different
(or better) thing/experience.
Pay attention to how I
explained that, because it will help me help you better understand what I am
about to explain about the nature [versus what nutures] men.
Ok, so then there’s
Intuition and Instinct.
Instinct is nature.
Instinct is to animals what intuition
is to humans.
We (human beings) have
dominion over animals, so we have intuition (and instincts).
We (humans) can’t have
conversation with animals, but animals can read our intuition (instincts)
like we adapt to, read, and know their instincts.
In your inquiry, you didn’t
exactly give me details involving whatabout“you” he wants to change, so I am
going to assume it (this change he wants you to do) would be in the image
department (because you stated “I felt secure, sexy, and happy and desired”).
If that is indeed it, I have
a short answer for you: Don’t change that (for two reasons).
Firstly, because it all goes
back to what YOU said: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t
a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of
who I am whether he likes it or not” [and you felt] “secure, sexy, and
happy and desired,”…that’s answering your own question along with
sounding like (to me) you will be very unhappy. And too, what I can tell you
for certain (as nature dictates) should you meet his [demands?] actually…the
both of you are going to be unhappy.
I’ll tell you why.
Like with most men
(excluding circumstances where two people are in a situation where they got
to know one another and a friendship then relationship transpired) when he
first met you-how you “looked” is what first attracted him first. It’s no
different than the saying that goes: “How you got him/what you did to get him
is what you got to do/how you got to do it to keep him” (it’s a law of nature
too by the way).
Don’t go against
that-regardless whatever his heart or mouth may say.
Whatnurtureshim and keeps him attracted and
interested is an altogether different thing than what his mouth (and even his
heart) might say.
The problem with women
electing to, or cooperating with being asked to go on the “big reveal” for
their man is that it’s really “not natural” (no matter HOW unnatural the woman
KEEP IT HOW YOU KEPT IT WHEN
HE MET YOU! (especially if how you look makesyoufeel sexy and beautiful). Don’t go
under construction and on a complete image overhaul to feed into [although
indeed may be something his heart and mouth wants] but INSTINCTIVELY…and in
the land of what NUTURES and keeps him attracted; is something altogether
different. You will lose. I promise you.
As silly as it sounds, some
men suggest this (these image overhauls) because they do not want their women
to be as “attractive” to the world/a world of other men as she was when she
first methim. If you
(and he) are not Muslim, do not honor that for a man who claims to love you
and was attracted to you one way when he first met you, and then all of a
sudden wants you to change that, because in your case (again, I repeat) you
already made it clear to me that [and I quote]: “it’snot a game. It wasn’t a dress
rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I
am whether he likes it or not” [unquote].
I try and be as brief as I
can be when replying to these inquiries, and in doing so; if I specify
somewhere in the details of my work about whatever the inquiry was, I will
reply and point you to link to read excerpts (or buy the book) to further get
I need to point you to that
(excerpts)-and go there in a hurry.
- IN THE INTEREST OF “INTEREST,” DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE
POWER OF A MAN’S INTEREST IN YOU
- BACK TO A MAN’S “REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING”
…I promise you, everything
that I explained in this inquiry + that will certainly help you.
P.S. Like I stated earlier,
you didn’t elaborate (in detail) “the changes” he wanted you to make but it
was obvious that one of them had much ‘ado about how you look. But too, I saw
where you stated: “…and that I was doing before and in the beginning when
he met me.” I have no idea what those things are, but too, no matter what
it is: if you went skating three times a week or danced the salsa on a boat
on the weekends; if that was what you were doing when you first met him,
while you were courting him, and (still doing?) while in the relationship
with [this man who is not your fiancé or husband]; if how you look and what
you do makes you happy, I suggest that you not change that. Sit down and have
a talk with him and tell him just what you told me: “How I look and what I
do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just
to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether you like it or not.”
A lot of times, women who
have no brothers, weren’t raised around men, didn’t have strong male father
presence in their lives, or women who don’t allow themselves ample amount of
time to get to know the man their with; can find themselves in some very
(emotional, mental, physical, or financial) compromising situations that
could have very well been avoided had they allowed themselves a little more
time to feel him out before allow him to feel her up (get inside of her body,
mind, emotions and her life).
Patience and impatience can
be a vice or virtuous.
Although the book is in
progress, you’re lucky! On my site, I opened some links to excerpts that can
be read that suit your personal situation. So make sure you read the links
within this inquiry and stay tuned.And don’t forget to get the
book, I promise you, it isstrife-changing. Women
(and men too) will thank me later.