but this time I let her have it. I told her about the so called “trust” she claimed to have in me was so temporary because if it was the way we had discussed, we wouldn’t be going through these types of things that cause us to argue. We argued because I refused to sit there and accept it when well over too many times, I had her normalcy. I’m not a fucking puppet. I wasn’t that desperate to have her in my life that I was going to let her dangle me like one either. I told her that she had the nerve to claim to love me, when she really was walking around with that dent in her heart, and doing the crazy things she would do. I told her I was starting to think it was mental-some kind of substitute for the lack of normalcy in her life, and she was getting (literally) sick with it-the habit of this kind of lifestyle and communicating. And my stupidly entertaining, aiding and abetting it was no better when I knew that sitting around tending to her and this shit was fucking up my own life and my own time, too. I told her that I would tend to her-but nothing extra.
I lit into her: “You kill me, talking about how scared you are. Yeah you are scared. It scares you because of the way you came into my life and ended up feeling things you didn’t expect. Yeah you’re scared all right. You’re scared because you and me have done things and gone more places than most people do in years-and many not at all, including YOU with anyone else. You’re scared because of how you feel about me was something you ‘sneaked and peeked’ upon and you didn’t expect it-now look at you. The game backfired on you and your heart, and now you don’t know what to do with your self. That room was a trap and it’s trapping you too. But you expect me to be ok with what you feel is safe for you “until when[ever].” “Bulllll-shit” I told her.
“It just don’t seem real, it just doesn’t. I’m so confused,” she confessed (and playing out Velvet Rope’s Track 12 & 13 in her mind). I drilled in:
“Yeah I bet you are confused. Look at your whole approach and how you go about things. Look at how you are deep down inside. How are you going to be walking around claiming to know love but afraid to trust. You were right, all you know is pain! All that you do creates it! You’re scared because you are so impulsive, and this (what you and me have), is probably the most time you have ever taken to let someone know you and love you for you-and you didn’t expect that either. Had I let you come here to see me that one time in 3 hours…we probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as we’ve gotten today (at least as close as we are right now). That’s because you are so used to getting your way-and fast. And that’s why you felt you had some inalienable right to come into my life the way you did. Because all your life you have obviously had things expeditiously go your way. Well, it doesn’t work like that with me Hun. I’m telling you right now. I’m not about to play into your little cyber fantasies and shit. You can go your way and I’ll go mine. So fuck you. Carry your stupid ass on somewhere else and leave me the hell alone,” I told her.
“Don’t talk to me that way! Don’t talk like that to me Angela. Don’t do that to me. You’re hurting me! You’re making me cry. You’re hurting me!” she said.
When she would try to convey her version of “normalcy” and seriousness (whether when feeling warm and fuzzy, sexual, or during our serious and deep conversations), she would always stress my real name-never: “Cin,” not even “Angie,” but: “Angela” (regardless whatever “character” she was). She may have been able to overpower me with her resources and abilities to commandeer and do all the things she did, but when it came down to my being able to put her mentality and emotions on display by holding a mirror to her face; I was the head bitch in charge of the psychology behind her Jedi Mind Tricks and games.
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