*ADULT READERS ONLY!

7.

Dealing with Love and Life With Decision and By Design

For a woman, love is her emotional lifeline: it is paramount.
Committed, married, beginning, midways, old, ongoing, sporadic, or casual; once a woman decides she has a “like-life”…she has as a “love life.”
And that love life plays a major part of the happiness in her, for her, and what the world around her will get from her.

Often times, career women, insatiably ambitious women, and a goal-oriented woman’s last priority is having a love life. Her “love life” is her ambitions, goals or career (like that of a man’s goal in life to “have something”-whether he is ambitious or not).

Ambitious women’s emotional lifeline tends to work around how their goals, ambitions, and careers are working out for them, whereas her less ambitious friends seem to be on a constant quest and merry-go-round of serial dating and love life dramas dilemmas.

But, no matter how strong, or strong-willed and on top of things she may be in her personal life, career, or social life; love is a whole different game in her heart-on top of all her wants, desires and needs. It is essential-I don’t care who she is. Every woman has that one thing in common. If nothing else, once she decides that she has a “like-life”…that becomes her emotional lifeline slash “love life.” Period.

We’ll call this one: “WOMAN A:”

When a woman’s love life is in order, her whole world is in order.
She’s outgoing and fearless.
Every other woman that shares this world with her is beautiful.
She’s optimistic sees beauty in everything and everybody.

She is a perfect friend, an awesome boss, that uber-helpful co-worker that (without notice), brings in donuts-just because. Rather than sitting around lunch and breaks with the usual work-crew (gossiping and stuffing their faces), she’s walking a few laps around the company building after having that healthy salad.

She’s more than a mother: she is Mom-Plus.
Her house is cleaned a certain kind of way.
The food she prepares even has that certain “twang” unlike it did when she prepared that same meal several times before.

Her tone of voice and the way she answers the phone is melodic.
She talks different.

She walks different.
The only time you’ll catch a dip and a frown in her brow is if she needs you to repeat something that she did not hear you asking of her-because her heart was busy singing a love song that her mind was playing the music to before you kindly interrupted (no matter how emergent, abrupt, or rude you may have been) she didn’t even notice.

If she were a time bomb, her wires would be visibly clear, uncomplicated and untangled. You could see every shiny primary color: red line, yellow line, and blue line. The ticking sound that you hear is her happy rapidly beating heart (the time bomb was just a prop).

That woman is in like, in love, feels she is loved, or all!

He is attentive to her (most, or all of the time), he leaves notes, or texts, or calls to toll his absence and announce his near-presence as to when he is on route and way.

He is courteous.

He’s that new boyfriend that is sweeping her off her feet because he’s so excited to get know a girl like her. He’s intrigued by her + “world.” All he knows is that he wants up and in it! Whether or not they’ve fucked already-he feels like he has to have her. He’s not done knowing her-he knows that she has many layers that he is dying to peel back to see and get to know.

If he hasn’t slept with her yet, he’s got it all planned in his head how he’s going to-because he wants her to want and love him, like he’s feeling her. He’s not just going to "fuck" her for his own male ego and to give her something to run-tell about; he’s pre-meditating it in his head because he likes her. He wants up in her world and her up in his world-just the same, (so he’s ready to put in work).

He hasn’t decided that she’s the Queen yet, but he knows already that she’s not a Joker, he’s likes her too much for her to be his Ace, she’s certainly not one of the other numbers, but she a Diamond, or Heart of something-hopefully the Queen-maybe, maybe not. But it’s all up to her whether or not she is, will be, and maintains her place on deck in his hand whether the relationship is new, midways or old (and we’re going to uncover it-page by page).

Back to the table, let’s deal.

“WOMAN B:”
Let a woman’s love life go haywire (even in the slightest way):    

Click-click Boom!
That time bomb went “Pop!” It’s no longer a prop.
Every day of her life, she is that ticking time bomb.
Her shiny red, blue, and yellow wires are now-dull, tangled, crossed and tied; they now look like the secondary colors of orange, purple and green: tangled and mangled from the red + blue making purple, the red + yellow making orange, and the yellow + blue making green…

She’s now green with envy.

Every woman is her rival-she tightens her lips and rolls her eyes at damned near every female that crosses the path of her vision. If she’s too well put together, she must be happy with her life and love life-her eye darts are piercing the happy-looking woman even more.

Instead of everything and everybody being beautiful, her motto at the moment is: “fuck everything and everybody.”

Her outgoing and fearless demeanor has turned belligerent and cryptic. You got one time to bump into her before she let’s lose on you.

She’s pessimistic sees an enemy in everything and everybody.
She is a horrible friend-cryptic and nearly talking with her lips tightened, sitting on the phone with you being combative and competitive about any and every subject-even if the two of you are just observing a sandwich commercial.

She’s annoying as hell.

She has nothing but Hell in her.
She’s that unethical boss who’s making rash business decisions based upon her feelings rather than what’s for the good of the company-not even considering what could possibly happen to her (or the company). She does not care-either way at this point.

She’s that impatient co-worker who, just last week, was uber-helpful and bringing in donuts just because. Now she’s huddled up in those gossip sessions with the rest of those miserable earth-disturbing winches on both breaks and lunch-time; sharing: donuts, misery, and company-rolling her eyes as she looks out the lunchroom window at the other women taking their stroll around the company building.

That’s her.

She’s that rude lady at the grocers who still seemed to be in no hurry-but this time-cursed you the hell out because it looked like you were trying to cut in front of her while you were just cutting through for a second to grab a pack of gum and a candy bar over in the checkout line she happened to be standing in.

While out shopping, that same woman that played that game of tug-o-war, who pranced out gracefully, refuses to bow out so gracefully this time. This time, she’s putting up a fight and would rather snatch that blouse, tear a hole in it, buy it, and take it home to mend it before she’ll lose it to you.

She’s an emotional mother: Mom-Minus rather than Mom-Plus like she was last week. She’s agitated by every little squeak, squeal and squabble; handing chastisement and punishments out for things that just last week-went over well with her.

The food she prepared last week, seasoned with love, makes you wonder if it’s laced with arsenic: those hamburgers and French Fries and overcooked hot dogs and fries just aren’t cutting the mustard this week.

Her tone of voice and the way she answers the phone is quick, baritone, irritated and matter-of-fact, rather than melodic. Every word she speaks sounds like the synthesizer from a horror movie’s theme and score.

She wears, what looks to be, a permanent frown in her brow that even when she’s forced to be civil, personable and/or professional; won’t go away.

This woman is in like and/or in love, and is in receipt of the feeling not being mutual.

She’s still waiting on a call back from her man, or her new boyfriend that seemed to be so interested in the beginning and now he doesn’t.

She has no idea how many points she’s losing-sitting around waiting on his call and stopping her world, awaiting on him to come and turn her gray skies blue.

She has no idea how much respect a man loses for a woman that he can sniff out whose world revolves around him if he knows he didn’t earn or work for it. He has nothing to pursue, look forward to, or work towards for this girl.

She’s upset about how everything seemed so perfect at first-he said and did the right things. She slept with him and now he’s not calling her back. Or she’s been sleeping with him for some time now and the train has jumped the tracks.

He doesn’t return her texts, and calls or just recently got his number changed and didn’t give it to her-yet, and she’s tired of wondering when, if at all.

She wouldn’t even know where to begin to track him down the ways her mind is entertaining, and if she did, when she does, he doesn’t call her back to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, he calls back from a private number to read her the riot act about how she had no right to track him down all over town the way she did.

He proceeds to drive that knife through her heart and tells her that she doesn’t own him by any stretch of her imagination (that he now an opinion of called-“gone crazy”).

She holds back the sounds of her tears on the phone that he-on the other end of-knows he produced, yet she has no idea that she is the fault of not having it her way from not playing her cards right (she didn’t own this book yet)…

He takes a deep breath, and in this moment of silence; entertains the thought of his sister, niece, mother, or daughter running through his head-being in receipt of the other end of the phone’s horn of what he would consider “some random dude” (even if the man was their husbands treating them this way)…

He softens up a little bit and takes the knife out-somewhat-by assuring her that he’s “been a little busy trying to get some things sorted out.”
Well, he sorts them out enough to come back by to eat up her food, soak up her heat, kick his feet up on the couch and enjoy some cable t-v and video games until he tires out and whispers those sweet nothings in her ear that she’d been waiting to hear (in place of the hurtful words he pierced her heart with earlier today).

He needs to re-up on his male ego, and practice his moves for how he’s going to put-it-down on Woman A (abovementioned) for the next time she pencils him into her busy schedule. He can’t wait to get to (or back home to his Heart, Diamond and possible Queen).

CHECK MATE

It’s already decided that you’re one of the other numbers in his deck of cards, or his Joker, or Ace is where he’s decided to put you. He already knows what he wants and is merely playing his hand, shuffling and dealing you the cards.

He comes back by to get some lovin’ from you every now and again-and puts a smile on your face for the evening; fucking you in such a way that you lay there feeling sure as Michael warning you of your last time to come see him, right before he took his last breath: “THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!” you say…(to yourself). “This time…this is IT! This motherfucker does love me! I can tell. The stuff he says to me! The way he fucks me! I mean...makes love to me! The way he holds me! I can tell!” 

…Annie are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

You’ve been hit by. You’ve been struck by: A Smooth Criminal.

And you’ve got it bad.

But even Usher’s got a check to collect at the end of the night.

He took off his clothes, gyrated, and serenaded in ways that made 10,000 other girls feel that they too, are loved and stand a chance at forever.

But when the lights come on and the sweat is wiped, the night is over-and so is yours, girlfriend, so hope you enjoyed the show.

I don’t care if he made you cum over and over like a high-end department stores’ revolving door, tossed you into the air and twirled you around like pizza dough in preparation.

I don’t care if he dined on you front, back, north, east, south, to west with the intensity of a starved lion eating a man thrown into his cage dressed in a pork-chop suit.

I don’t care if he twisted you like a pretzel and performed circus acts worthy enough to headline Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey.

Get your head out of the clouds Anna Mae.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?

If there are 100 women to every 1 man, every 1 man has had his share of hurt, rejection, and heartbreak over a 100 times per every 1 woman that he thought he liked, loved, was infatuated with, wanted to like, love and know or never officially knew. A man’s heart is connected to his mind, and his ego, like a woman’s heart is connected to her heart and her heart.
Until a man has decided that you are the “Queen,” he’s fucking you with his ego and his mind [for himself-first] for you: secondly (if “for,” at all).

Truth is relative, and person-to-person specific.
But if you can’t handle that statement as being a fact, then you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with any man unless you know (for a fact) that you are not just one of the numbers, the Joker, the Ace, and not even the Diamond or Heart.

If a woman can’t handle that statement as being the fact that it is, then she shouldn’t be out here in the game (like that) unless it is official that she has won the game, and that she is (without a doubt) the “Queen.”
If you can handle that, play the game and hold ‘em.
If you can’t handle that, forfeit the game and fold ‘em.
That way, nobody is dealt a bad hand or given a raw deal.

POKER FACE.

Men like women, want love and a serious relationship too. But since the very moment at five years old he was first busted in the chest as told he’d better stop whining and crying, and those gender role expectations started taking place in his toddler, pre-teen, and teenage life; life dealt him a different hand than it dealt a woman.

Men have as many (hidden) layers of protection as women all know we have (for sure).

Until he is past the seeking stage and finds the Queen to (willingly) give his heart to-that one he is willing to provide and protect (for however long, or ‘til death), from behind their poker face, men deal and deliver to women through what is expected of them: what he has, how much of it has, how he lives this life, and/or sex. So unless you are Queen; his mind, ego, and male-hood is fucking you. Not his heart. He’s fucking you from his male ego that gets chipped off of one or more times daily. He’s fucking you with both: pleasure and pain. He’s stroking you with the fierceness of rejection, hurt, unmet expectations, ridicule, frustration, and all the reactions he needs to derive from you to reassure him that he is a man, the man: King-worthy. So he (indeed) is going to put his back into it. You just have to know when, how, where, or if, your heart should be in it.

Do not mistake your place in the cards in his hands: Heart, Diamond, Ace, Joker or one of the other numbers. That is why you have to be careful the ways that you allow a man to have sex with you if you are out here rolling the dice and you’re not the Queen in his hand (even if some of those ways are ways that you like. In order to maintain your self-respect and not lose it to some man who is NOT your King or husband, you must resist the urge to give in to some things you like to do sexually with certain types of men and where you are with those certain types of men…

Listen carefully. Read slowly:

All men are not “every position” worthy. I assure you.

Just because you may decide he is worthy of some lovin’ does not mean he’s worthy of the entire book of Karma Sutra in one night, one week, one month, or even three months.  

Be smart. And know this: A woman who is good in bed, knows her body, knows a man’s body can please a man on her back and in one position so well that he would forget that there were others-he’d be that enthralled and afraid to move.

Let his Jokers and other numbers give him all her tricks and circus acts in one night-sending messages to his brain stating that she is fucking for her life-trying hard to win and beat out her possible competition in the next woman stepping to the table.   

Sex, for men, is mental (rather than emotional-like we women tend to think after we’ve stretched him out in ways that may have had him emotional and screaming like a banshee and in tears).

That means nothing…until…

Some ways that you allow a man to have sex with you are best reserved for where you are in the relationship.

A man’s mind processes sexual positions (and certain sexual acts) the way a woman’s heart does.

A man’s does not connect his heart to the ways he is fucking you until his heart is with, on, and for you.

The sex you have with a man should be the equivalent and level where you are with that man outside of closed doors. That is very important to know.

(We will go over that in full detail in Gem#18 chapter titled: “Men & Sex: Missionary, Oral Sex, Doggy-Style, Anal-Sex (Man-Woman vs Man-Man), Agressive Sex, The 'Bi-Sexual' Man, and The Male Mind and Mentality”).

Don’t play yourself.

Keep your poker face on even if you allow him to “poke…”

THE DEAL.

The flip side (and irony) about men is that no matter what, or how long you have been in a relationship with him, at any point in the game you decide to change the rules-he’s game…IF you are (at bare minimum) a Heart or a Diamond. If a man does not accept your changes in the way things are going, he has already decided that you are a Joker, Ace, or one of the other numbers. That being said, that is your cue to give up holding him, time to fold him, walk away, or run. Once the relationship gets to a point of inconsideration where you are getting dealt with (chasing, and trying to hold it together) game is over (as far as he is literally concerned). 

Men know how to behave and what to do when they want something (and want to keep it). It’s women who try and act like men are dumb and just “have to be reminded that it is them that they want” by being a doormat…and the door (the opened slash revolving door, that is).

It doesn’t have to be that way, and you are in total control of the knob!

Use your imagination and your head.

Here’s how:

THE DECISION.

Whoever told you that it is normal, natural, and right to [decide to] “live by design” but it was unnatural to decide to “love by design” lied to you.

“Love by design” is that mere fairytale or comfortable way we fantasize it to be (and should be-in our heads), less the materialisms. You know…“the basics”: how we fantasize about being respected, regarded, and treated. All things that should matter before a man, a courtship or a relationship even fit the plan. That is what to “love by design” means.

Sure, it sounds simple, and probably sounds like that’s exactly what we all start out dealing.

But if you stop and ask yourself if the way you are being handled is indicative of that of a Queen, an Ace, a Joker, or one of other the numbers, it’ll make you really tell yourself the truth about whether or not you are getting the love (you feel you deserve) by how you fantasized and designed it to be in your own head.

Stop buying into the fantasy that “happily ever after” begins if a man asks to marry you. Your happy in life and love begins with the fantasy in your head about how you design the treatment you are willing to accept, that your presence commands, and he adheres to.

Whatever it is that you fantasize in your head (about the way you want to be treated, regarded, respected, adored, admired and handled) every man has it in him to honor that. He just may not honor that fantasy with you. But you’d better believe that there is some woman out here in the world that he will honor that fantasy for-willingly. It will first stun you before it would kill you to be a fly on the wall and see it for yourself. It’ll make you crazy to merely hear that he was-elsewhere honoring that (like with “Woman A”-abovementioned), but it does happen.

Do not allow yourself to be treated in ways that you think he’s not capable of showing you, simply because he is not showing you. He’s not showing you because some men do need to be reminded of some things: that you have standards, boundaries, and limits.

Women are afraid to establish them because of fear that it may make you look desperate and crazy, or because you think it is too soon [or too late in an ongoing relationship] to let him know that your time is valuable and that you’re lending him some of it-but he needs to handle it like he is on the clock.

If you’re even smarter, that doesn’t even have to be dealt out to him, he should have already been able to peep your hand and seen that you have a “world” (of some kind) outside of him. When a man really wants to get to know you, wants to get in world, and possibly share his world with you; he will work around, in, and on that clock without snoozing or needing to be reminded of too much of anything. 

THE DESIGN.

If we want a good life, it takes careful design and planning.

For love to be as important a lifeline to women as it is…what makes you think that your love life doesn’t have to be “by design” just the same?

In designing your love life, you have to begin with a solid foundation:

What is it that you are looking for? (And you have to be firm and true to yourself even before a man fit the plan) Granted, dynamics change, as does minds and emotions when two people come together. So let’s list a few for you to think about (and answer):

-Sex Partner: That is the most self-deceiving area of excuses that we women (and our friends) use when we are in a situation we know for a fact that the man has no interest in having a relationship with us and (in our hearts) we know we are the Ace, Joker, or one of the other numbers. We women tend to make ourselves believe we are okay with situations like this-but often times, we really aren’t. There are instances however, where some women are firm and content with these kinds of relationships. Here’s the test question: If HE told you that he wanted to make this casual sexual relationship into real relationship, what would your answer be?

If you’d agree, that means you lied to yourself and made yourself settle for a sexual relationship.

If you’d declined, then you were true to yourself about sex being all you wanted from him (too).

It’s that simple.

-One Day At A Time/Let The Chips Fall Where They May: Some women are content with taking her relationships one day at a time. While that is okay and not unhealthy, it’s emotionally and mentally unhealthy if you decide you want more-while he’s still in the “one the day at a time stage” with you. It’s not good for your self-esteem or spirit. You have to make a decision to fold, walk away, or run (turn back to “THE DEAL” and re-read).  

-Life Partner To Grow Old and Gray With:An awesome ideal. And if you are firm in that, be firm in that. Do not allow yourself to be put in a “sexual partner” situation or a “one day at a time” relationship for too long a time that you can clearly see that he is not “growing old and gray together” material. Don’t play with yourself by trying to force a man to share this relationship style and interest with you (if being brutally honest with yourself) you know you’re not at bare minimum: the Heart or Diamond, but definitely-not the Ace, Joker or rest of the numbers. 

THE DESIGN’S FOUNDATION

Don’t play with your life. And don’t play with your time.

Enjoy those “getting to know you” stages really getting to know that man you are with, dating and considering being with.

In the beginning, or during-while you are still courting; select dates where conversation can be had.

Save going to the movies for your girlfriends or the man you’ve been with for a while who has earned 2-3hrs time to be quiet and watch a movie with you (after you’ve gotten these questions answered):

• Have you ever been married?
• What do you think about marriage in general?
• How long do you think it would take you to decide if a woman is that “one” that you want to marry-before you would pop the question?
• What’s the longest committed relationship you ever had?
• What’s the longest casual (uncommitted) relationship you had?
• Do you have kids?
• Do you want kids?
• What are your relationship deal-breakers?

No, you wouldn’t want to dump all these questions on a man on the first night out at dinner-but then again, the conversation just may go that way that you very well can.

It all depends on that man and how the night is going between the two of you.

Some dates with men go so well that they’ll tell you their life history all in one night!

Keep it sexy though.

Don’t sound stalkerish or desperate and like you’re trying to interview him.

Keep it almost “hypothetically speaking.”

Keep it fun.

In the middle of the questions and conversation-wink at him, blow him a kiss as you put the fork of food in your mouth.

Digest it.

Lick your lips then tell him that you are merely picking his head or his chest (don’t use the word: “heart”-it’s too thick a word for general conversation in that “getting to know you” stage).

Get those questions answered however many dates it takes!

The bottom line is, during those “getting to know you” stages, instead of wasting time talking about all frivolous things that mean nothing for your “design time” like: What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite day of the week? etc. Let him waste your time finding out if he fits your life [or love] design “plan.”

Your conversation doesn’t have to be all serious and heavy.

Mix the questions with other good (quality) conversation in an effort to understand what his mindset and relation-style is like (what he’s done, how he’s done it, what he thinks of certain things).

Listen to see where his mind is right now, to help you decide if he is second and ongoing date-material, or if he is looking for a sleuth of quickies or casual dates with various women.

Men have lots of options.

Many men are serial daters that have designed their own life plan for doing just that. 

There are some men who “hook up,” and are firm in calling it “hooking up” (versus dating). They collect and add to their repertoire for convenience and aren’t even close to design material. But if that is what you are (truly) “looking for” then I guess-look for that in him too.

Don’t forget the lesson explained in Gem#4: “To Thy Self Be True”…

Be really true to yourself, even if you are relation-shopping and find that he may not be. Don’t set yourself up for hurt knowing in your heart that you deviated from your intended design plan just to keep the man.

If you are truly open to relationship and know in your heart that you are relation-shopping, design and stick to your life and love plan in advance and when you get those questions answered or discover that he does not fit your plan, let go of “hanging on to see if_______” …filling in blanks that only end up hurting you-from all the doings you will surely end up doing to fill in those (literal) blanks (that you knew were there from the beginning)…

We women tend to be on that “taking it one day at a time” way of thinking (about how love is supposed to “fall into place”).

We think that because we are getting wined, and dined, (or some good lovin’); that means we are next to getting hitched, or commitment and exclusivity is just around the corner.

No.

Some men have it like that, so they court and do it like that all the time. For some men, that is their relation-style even when they are not exactly relation-shopping. They see it as a reflection on themselves (as a man) and would rather die than to be thought of as cheap and stingy.

So, because time spent with him may be better than average, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to marry you, or that you are on your way to being his Queen. Some men are like that with women they have mad love for and they’re just Aces-forever (until he ups and marries someone else who played her cards differently than you did, the deck was shuffled and dealt a particular way, or simply because she played her cards right).

Play your cards right.

Get your questions answered.

They matter-even if neither one of you are “not looking for a relationship.”

Often times we aren’t looking for a relationship, and from the first date; it just “happens.”

Don’t let happenstance, “happen.”

Take your own stance on “happen” that fits your plan (as designed from the beginning).

Treat your time, life, and love like a business.

Businesses don’t just “happen” without careful planning.

Consider those questions to be your own personal “business plan” because there are no personal guarantees that time will bring everything together on its own. Those questions will not answer themselves, or work their way out while in the middle of a relationship and are usually the cause of breakups and turmoil that didn’t have to be. A little bit of communication is worth pounds of years of heartache and pain.

As a woman, when you don’t ask those pertinent questions in the beginning, before you know it, that man has taken up 2,3,4,5, and 6 years of your time and then one day you up and give him an ultimatum (and deadline) to marry you, and/or start a family, and/or move in and commit, and/or else!

If you would have gotten those questions answered in the beginning, you could have gotten your own tools to work with and something to gage whether or not you should hold him, fold him, walk away, or that you should have run long before 2-6 years of your life was invested [in what turned out to be] a bad investment.

The beginning of all things is the foundation of everything-no matter what!

So make sure yours is solid…

My business is about your business is done.

It now comes down to actively taking action on your plan.

I put an investment into your love and life design’s business plan by listing those pertinent questions to ask and by providing you with all the very necessaries on confidence, self-esteem, (throughout every chapter up to and including this one) and brutal honesty but loving truth from the next chapter tip-going forward…through to the end of this book. The loss (or return) you get on your investment is solely up to the hand you build, the hand you plan, and the hand you deal. As well (and more importantly) how you deal with the hand you are dealt: how you play the game…

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